I'm Sorry..

I hadn't been acting much like myself lately, but I refused to look too much into it. After that day I'd left Gwen.. I'd felt like such an asshole. I couldn't even begin to explain how horrible I'd felt. But it had to be done.. and I just knew she'd thank me later for it. It wasn't good for anyone to actually feel something for me.. I'd done her a favor by leaving when I did before things got even further. I'd been experiencing unchartered territory, and that just wasn't something I was good with dealing with.

I sighed as I ventured from the boy dorms, where I'd been staying for the past week. I'd come out every now and then, but considering Gwen was in the same house as me.. I'd done my best to steer clear of the Commons. I'd forgotten my sweatshirt in there a couple of days back though, and figuring I had nothing else better to do, I decided to sneak down there and get it. I'd be in and out quick, no problem.

It was surprising to me how I hadn't seen her anywhere, but I was sort of glad. I didn't know what I would have done, or how I would act around her.. because I knew I'd inflicted some damage, even if I'd tried to avoid it. I ran my good hand through my tousled hair in anxiety as I walked into the Commons. I hadn't wanted to go to the Infirmary to get my hand healed, so it was still a bit useless, not to mention severely black and blue. I shrugged as I set off on the search to find my MIA sweatshirt.

Gwen was dozing in the common rooms on the couch when she heard someone coming, opening her eyes she saw him.
Ever since he´d left her, since he´d just left. She´d been avoiding him like he was a disease.
And that´s how she felt, like she was sick. She couldn´t stop thinking about it, she couldn´t even sleep during the day...she was just so...ugh.
"Hi..." she said before seeing the sweater next to her.
"Yours?" she asked, not meeting his gaze and and holding it out to him.

Almost as soon as I entered the Commons, I wanted to turn right back around and leave. Because right in front of my eyes.. was Gwen. She had her eyes closed so I figured if I just turned around quick and disappeared... nope. She was opening her eyes now and I felt like I was frozen in place, my eyes slightly widened like a deer in headlights. Almost immediately I could feel the change in my body.. the way my heart rate increased slightly, and the way my stomach dropped to the floor. This was bad.

I heard her speaking to me but I was still too busy staring at her. Clearing my throat I finally managed to nod in her direction, my gaze falling to the floor. I didn't know what to do.. I felt so helpless and lost. Hearing her voice again I forced myself to look up, and I saw her holding out the sweatshirt I'd come looking for. She was holding it out to me.. which meant I'd have to actually walk over if I wanted it.

Exhaling almost inaudibly, I nodded again even though she wasn't looking at me, and wandered over. I took it from her hands with my good hand, trying to calm down my raging insides. "..Thanks.." I finally said, standing there awkwardly. Now that I had my sweatshirt.. I could just turn around and leave. But somehow.. I knew I couldn't leave her. No, not again.

After a long pause in the conversation, I stared down at the floor before finally mustering up enough courage. "Gwen.." I began, trying to force it out. Harder then I thought. "Gwen.. I'm.. sorry."

Gwen looked up in surprise. He was...apologizing? Him? Evan Caldwell?
She opened her moth but closed it again,
"Evan I- I-" she took stopped.
She what? what? She was sorry? She was sorry for what?
She was confused? yes. She was scared? Yes. She had no idea what would happen now?
Hell to the Yeah.
She took a deep breath and just let her exaustion rule her body.
Sighing she asked, "What for?" she didnt know if he was just saying that, or if he actually knew what was wrong.

I didn't have to look up to know that she was surprised. Hell, even I was surprised that I'd managed to get the words out of my mouth. I just didn't apologize.. ever. I hated admitting when I was wrong, and I just hated apologizing even if I knew it was necessary. Why I'd made an exception this time around and actually gotten the words out.. well, because I knew Gwen deserved at least that. I'd been an asshole, and I wasn't sure how much I'd hurt her. But it had been enough for me to be able to see it the day I'd left her behind, and I didn't like myself very much at all for causing that. Normally I didn't care about anyone else's feelings but my own. When it came to her though.. it was different. Everything was different.

I heard her stuttering, but honestly I didn't expect her to return the words. Now that I'd said them, I didn't feel any better.. but at least she knew. Now I could leave with some of my pride still in tact. Yet for some reason I looked up at her, and once my eyes landed on her face.. I knew I wasn't leaving. Even if everything in my body wanted to, I knew I was rooted to that very place. I couldn't see the emotion in her face.. and that bothered me. Partially. I wasn't sure if I wanted to know what she was feeling, in fear that it would scatter my thoughts even more. I was making sure I kept my emotions off my expression for now.

I hadn't expected her to ask me what I was apologizing for. As if just saying sorry hadn't been hard enough.. did she truly not know? Or was she making me explain it further? I exhaled heavily, dropping my gaze again as I flexed the fingers of my injured hand with a wince. "For what I did. For... in a sense.. leading you on." I managed to say through gritted teeth. "And.. for leaving you. And for.. just.. everything." I finished, refusing to look up at her. Who knew this would have been so hard? Too bad I could have only figured.

Gwen´s expression stayed but for a moment her features softened.
"I accept." she said finally looking back into his eyes.
Dear Merlin...she couldn´t look away... but then she saw him wince a she saw his hand.
Worry crossed her face, "Merlin Ev what did you do?!" she said getting up gently lifting his hand to check it out. She wasn´t a wiz at healing potions for nothing after all.
For a moment all her hurt was forgotten while she took a look at his injury. She soon realized what she was doing and backed away.
"sorry." she muttered.

I was a bit surprised when her features suddenly softened and she told me she accepted my apology. I didn't say anything for a few moments, not quite sure what to say. I was lucky she'd been so forgiving this time.. right? After a moment I managed to get my brain to work, but only barely. "Thanks." I said quietly. What else was there to say at this point? Nothing. I'd apologized, she'd accepted, I'd thanked her... I kept quiet after this. I hated feeling so lost and so unsure of myself around someone. It just wasn't me.

Now she was looking into my eyes, and try as I might I couldn't break the eye contact between us. In the next second I saw worry flashing across her expression, and I was confused until I heard her words. Understanding flooded across my face as I finally glanced down toward my hand. It looked terrible, but I knew I would be able to play it off. "It's.. nothing.." I tried to say but she was already up, and soon my hand was in hers.

My words were cut short as my lips stayed partially ajar as what she was doing settled in. I didn't immediately yank my hand away much like I wanted to, but my muscles did tighten in my arm, causing it to become a bit rigid. She seemed to have realized what she'd done just as soon as I did though, because suddenly she was backing away. I didn't say anything for a few quiet moments, but soon my face was softening. "It's.. ok." I said quietly. "I..when I left.." She deserved at least the truth. "I punched the wall.. twice." I admitted with a sigh.

Gwen let her eyebrows furrow in confusion.
"You punched a..why on earth would you do that?" she asked incredulously. "You should get that healed." she said worry tinting her voice. She tried to control herself, she didnt want him to se that she was hurt.

I glanced upward toward the ceiling once she questioned me, and all I could settle for was a slight shrug of my shoulders. "I was mad at myself." I said simply. I didn't have much more of an explanation for it, unless we were going into details. Which I didn't plan on doing at the moment. Hearing her tell me I should get it healed, I quickly shook my head.

"No. I'm not going to the Infirmary. That's why it's not healed already." I said flatly. I wasn't going to get it healed though, no. That wasn't going to change my mind. I could tell she was worried though, and I didn't want that. "Look.. just don't worry about it, ok?" I asked quietly.

I didn't deserve anyone like her worrying about me. No, not after what I'd done to her.

Gwen nodded and let him be for that answer. She twirled her wand.
"Let me heal it then. It looks painful." she said frowning slightly. She didnt want him to be in pain. Normally after what had happened SHE`D be the one breaking hands but with him...she wasnt even mad...

I glanced toward her twirling her wand, staring at her quietly in question. But when I heard her offer, I paused. I didn't expect her to do that, so why was she offering? Well, I knew she was offering in order to be nice, but after everything that had happened? It was painful, but nothing I couldn't deal with. Still...

"I can deal with it." I replied shortly. But then I realized.. why be a jerk when she was just trying to help? After all, I was lucky she had even forgiven me. So without another word, I hesitantly offered her my hand out again, my expression defeated.

Gwen nodded, "This might hurt." she said simply. He was a big boy, he could deal.
"EpiskyDovedueta" she muttered flicking her wand at his hand healing it with a loud crack.
Well.
It was fixed.
She paused before speaking.
"You´re welcome. Look Ev, there´s no need for us to bitch at each other or get all funky. Thats the last thing I want to do."
The truth. She was hurt but she´d already forgiven him, she still wanted him, she still felt the same, no matter that she didnt know what those *feelings* were.

I shrugged when I heard her words, mostly because I figured it would. Healing was never a painless process, and I simply braced myself for what was to come. Once she muttered the charm I knew the pain would soon follow, and I was right. A loud crack filled the air around us as my knuckles snapped back into their rightful place, and I gritted my teeth with a severe wince as it happened. I exhaled ever so slowly as the pain began to subside, and I tested my fingers by stretching them out. Slightly sore.. but nothing compared to what it had been. I flexed them again, and then again. Seemed as good as new..

"Thanks." I muttered quietly, still looking at my hand before it was slowly lowered to my side. Her words caught me off guard though, and I blinked as I processed her words. Well.. she was right. "I know." I finally said, sighing softly. "I.. I don't want things to get weird between us either." I added, though for some reason I couldn't bounce back into acting like myself. I was frustrated, confused.. and nothing was answered. It just seemed as if more problems had been unconsciously created.

Now that she'd forgiven me, I could pretend like nothing happened. I could go back to my ways, I could go back to doing whatever I wanted.. we'd had our fun. Granted, not as much as I normally did, but still fun nonetheless. We could go back to acting like nothing happened, right? I knew in my heart that the answer was no.. so did I even want to bother trying?

"So.. where do we go from here then?" I finally asked, my expression tired. Maybe she had some answers? Cause I sure as hell didn't.

Gwen nodded satisfied with her healing work before nodding again when he agreed. Seeing his tired face she felt the urge to comfort him. Biting her lip she stayed where she was. No need to freak him out more.
"Well let´s see...You don´t know what was going on, I don´t know what was going on...and yet here we are. Because we can´t leave." she said softly her own expression letting some of her own confusion leak out.
"I think...I think maybe...hmm. Maybe...we should..." she tried stopping each time.
"ugh!" she sat down putting her head in her hands frustrated.
"Since when did things get so fucked up?!" she muttered half to herself to frustrated to be shocked.
She almost never ever said fuck.
Ever.
Snickers hissed in surprise from his perch on a chair but she ignored him
Then it hit her.
Why she felt the way she did.
She paled.
No. No nononono. Hell no.
Uh uh.
She couldn´t...like him?!
Him! He-who-sleeps-with-many! He-who-left-her! He-who-...He-who-would-never...never-like-her.
She looked at him unbelievingly and incredulously.
She couldn´t tell him. Ohhhh nonononono. Nooooo.
He´d laugh. He´d run. He´d break her heart.
Ugh!!!!

I didn't bother disagreeing with her first statement, because it was true. Of course, I hadn't exactly known that she was still here because she couldn't leave.. and I hadn't realized that she knew that I was feeling the same. I kept silent though, watching as her own confusion became evident on her pretty face. Well if both of us were confused with no answers.. that wasn't going to exactly get us anywhere.

I continued not saying a word as she tried to think of an answer to what I already knew couldn't be answered with just a simple explanation. No, it was much more then that, and I didn't know if I was ready to have that conversation with her. Her sudden outburst made me flinch a bit, mostly because I hadn't bee prepared for it. My first instinct was to reach out and comfort her when she placed her head in her hands, but I contained myself, my muscles flexing as I forced myself not to react. It was strange, how I'd immediately wanted to reach out.. fuck.

And now.. she was swearing, and I continued not to say a word. I realized staying silent through this entire thing probably wasn't the best idea. I could have probably fixed it all if I'd really had the guts. I exhaled slowly, but as the silence grew... "Gwen." It wasn't a question, more like a statement, finally breaking my silent spell. "Gwen. What's wrong?" She was being silent for far too long, and she wasn't even looking at me. And yet by her body language.. something was not right.

Gwen´s eyes widened and shock flashed across her face as she heard him.
"Eh-you-eh-Nothing´s wrong." she said tying to compose herself. He mustn´t know. Oh no.
"I- ehm..Do you have any ideas?" she tried to change subject. It wasnt normal that she was this...nervous...
It was freaking her out.

The first thing I noticed was her eyes widening, and the shock that flashed across her face. And as she stuttered, it was obvious to me that she was lying. I stared at her for a moment, considering actually taking her word for it.. but no. I could tell that something wasn't right, whether she was trying to play it off like everything was fine. "You aren't fooling me." I stated flatly, my arms moving to cross over my broad chest. I continued to stare at her, my eyes almost emotionless. "So why bother lying to me, Gwen?"

I completely ignored her trying to change the subject. I didn't care how uncomfortable it made her, or how much she squirmed underneath my gaze. She was lying to me, and I wasn't about to leave until I found out the truth. "So, what's the truth, Gwen? And I want nothing but it." I knew I might have been acting harsh, but she was blatantly trying to lie to my face. Why?

Gwen held his gaze all of the sudden feeling stronger.
"Oh so I have to tell you whats wrong?! Since when do you CARE!?" she stood up, still much smaller than he was but makingup for that in certainty.
"You know what!? Fine! Fine." she shook her head.
"You want the truth!?"

Ok, so I hadn't expected her to suddenly become well.. angry with me. I would admit I was a bit taken aback by her random outburst, but it didn't make me back down. No, if anything, I could feel my stare getting even stronger on her. I didn't even care that she was standing up and practically shouting at me. But when she asked since when did I care? I could feel it. My own anger building up inside of me, because that was the whole cause of my confusion. Because I didn't know. Or did I, and just didn't want to admit it to myself? I opened my mouth to shoot something back at her, but now she was shaking her head.

Did I want the truth? But I was still stuck on what she'd asked me. "I don't know." I said simply, knowing she'd know what I was talking about. "I don't fucking know why I care." I snapped, my anger beginning to boil. "But since when? Well lets see, Gwen. Since I fucking spent the night with you and everything started to mess itself up! I was content with sitting there and kissing you. I was content with being all intimate with you.. do you think that was easy for me?" I paused, slightly breathless, but I wasn't done. "That just isn't me. Don't you understand that? I use girls for fun. I don't.. I don't.. do stuff like I did. Don't you get why I left you there? Because I was doing you a favor. Yeah. I was protecting you from the monster I am." By now, wanting to hear the truth from her was completely forgotten.

"Yeah, I'm done with this. Goodbye, Gwen." I said, my muscles rolling under my skin in anger. With my sweatshirt clenched in my hands, I turned around and began to walk out, trying to calm myself. While the realization of my words began sinking in... fuck.

Gwen listened in shock.
"Evan!" she called out pulling him to stop.
"Will you wait one goddamned second!" she said
"I told you! I told you you didn´t have to! So don´t you try and pretend like you had no choice!" she said feeling tears burn the corners of her eyes which she angrily blinked away.
"I know what you use girls for! Did you really think I didn´t know!? And how was that a favour!? you think hurting me is doing me a favour!?" She was close to tears but she refused them.
"You know why I´m yelling at you now instead of hexing you to next century!?" she said stepping back.
"because you´re a BLOODY MORON and I´m an IDIOT FOR FUCKING LIKING YOU!" she finished.

I heard her calling after me, but I wanted to keep going. I wanted to get out of there.. I wanted to get as far away as possible from the situation. But once I felt her pulling me to a stop.. I didn't turn around to face her, but I wasn't leaving, either. I mentally flinched at her words, but on the outside I was still in a rage. Whirling around to face her, my fingers clenched into fists. I decided not to answer her, though.. perhaps not in my best interests.

But as she continued to yell at me, I didn't bother waiting before I was yelling back in response. "I'm not pretending like I had no choice, Gwen! Didn't you listen to anything I said?" I could see it on her face that she was upset, but my anger hadn't quite boiled down to the point where I could actually process it yet. I supposed I knew she knew what I did with girls.. but then, why had she still stayed with me? Knowing what my intentions usually were? "I was doing you a favor BECAUSE I didn't want to hurt you." I said through gritted teeth. But now that she was telling me I had hurt her... wait, what?

I blinked when she began stepping back, but then her last sentence left me gaping. She liked me? Wait... my anger was still there, but it wasn't as bad as it had been. It was like I was seeing her for the first time, so close to tears, admitting what I hadn't been sure I wanted to hear.. she had never looked so beautiful to me.

I wasn't sure what I was doing, but I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling to just.. kiss her. I was pretty sure I'd earn a smack to the face, or a knee to the junk, or something painful.. but all of a sudden I was closing the distance between us. In one fluid motion I had her face in either of my hands, and in the next moment I was kissing her. Not a gentle kiss like she'd been used to with me. A slightly rough, almost needy one.

What was I getting myself into?

Gwen didnt even have time to register his reaction before he was kissing her...and she was kissing him back, just as roughly and needy. Her hands came up to his arms as she kissed him back a few of her angry tears leaking down her cheeks.
She didnt know what he was thinking or what would happen but she tried not to think of that. It hurt too much.

Though if he was just playing with her she though she might castrate him.
With a rusty spoon.

She kissed him back not wanting to stop, it was like breathing wasn´t as important. She felt her mascara smear slightly from the few tears but ignored it.
She was terrified but she didnt stop, couldn´t stop.

I felt her kissing me back, and while I was slightly surprised, it only encouraged me further. My lips parted against hers as I let the first kiss develop into a second one without breaking away, but then I felt it. I felt the wetness of her tears, and I found the will in myself to pull back. I exhaled sharply, still holding onto either side of her face. My thumbs gently began to wipe away at the mascara trails on her cheeks. "Don't cry." I said quietly. Crying girls were always my weakness, and yes for the overly confident guy I was, I did have a weakness.

"I left you because I didn't want to hurt you. I'm sorry that I ended up hurting you anyway, but if I would have known.." Now, I couldn't stop the words from flying out. I just needed her to understand. "What happened that night changed something in me. But you're different from them, Gwen. You're different from all the others.." I murmured. "I don't understand it. I'm not sure if I ever will either. But the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. That is one thing I'm sure of." I had so much more to say, but I couldn't get it into words.. so I settled for kissing her fiercely again, figuring that if I had more to explain.. well then, hope it came to me.

How I was acting hadn't quite settled into my brain yet. How.. caring and somewhat emotional I was acting. I'd probably be appalled by my actions later.. but this was now. And I wasn't going to let myself hurt Gwen again. Not now.

Gwen nodded and blinked the tears away.
Her eyes widened a little when he spoke and she gave him a small smile and didnt say anything because she couldn´t find the words so she just kissed him back as passionately as before.
She didnt ask him to explain, she understood perfectly.
She just hoped he wouldn´t leave again.
So she settled on kissing him again hungrily.

I tried not to notice her shocked expression, and I wasn't even bothered when she didn't say anything about my small outburst. That was probably the best thing.. I didn't want to think about how different I was acting right now. She was kissing me with such an intensity I hadn't been familiar with... again, the unchartered territory was beginning, and I could feel my anxiety beginning to rise. But this time, I was in the battle with it, and I planned on winning.

I felt her kissing me again, and the hunger in the kiss couldn't be denied. I obligated by slowly slipping my hands from her face and down her body as I kissed her back. In the next moment my hands were sliding underneath her rear, and all of a sudden I was lifting her up so that she was in my arms, wrapping her legs around my waist. I kept kissing her as I easily supported her weight, my tongue sliding forward and gently teasing her lower lip.

Kissing her made everything feel better. God knows I couldn't promise her anything right now, but.. I had decided that I wasn't leaving this time. I wasn't decided on much else though.