I'm Sorry..

Gwen looked back up at him with a slightly pained expression. The inner fight already visible on her features.
"i wish it was easy, i wish i could just say-" she broke off closing her eyes tightly for a second.

"goodgod...I just.." she felt the need to tell him. He needed to know. Know that he was not a monster, know that she was.
"have you ever heard of the SalemCoopers? The infamous huntresess?" she asked.
"My twin and I are..were..the last in line. I am..was..am..a huntress. And my sister..." she paused to gather herself. It was hard..telling him..but he deserved to know what he was getting into.
"My sister was bitten, by a vampire. I had to..I had to do my job. Or she would have killed me." she finished looking him in the eyes, not wanting to succumb to the fear she was feeling.

I let my eyes fall back on hers when she looked up, surprised to see that the pain was back in them, but even more evident then it had been before. I didn't want to be the cause of that, and I opened my mouth to say something, anything to try and make it better. Yet she beat me to it, and I closed my mouth slowly when I heard her speaking. I could tell she didn't want to tell me, and I could tell that this was particulary hard for her.. and that just made me all the more wary of what she was keeping from me. What could it possibly be, that it was leaving her so.. so... I didn't even have a word for it.

"Gwen, you don't have to-" I was cut off when she asked me a question. I paused for a moment, considering the question. I had heard of them, vaguely... I nodded slightly, but she continued to talk and so I said nothing. My stare became a bit blank when she said that she was the last in line for them. Wait... I could feel my brain beginning to go into a frenzy as I tried to get everything working correctly. She had stopped talking, but that didn't mean my brain stopped working. I blinked a few times, trying to focus, but it was just so hard..

Hearing her saying the last sentence, it took me a moment to understood what she meant. Huntress.. Vampire.. killing.... She killed her sister. The realization came slamming into my body full force, and my puzzled expression became one of shock, before I quickly managed to pull myself together. I turned my eyes away from her, at a loss for words for once in my life. "I... you.. she-" I shook my head, knowing I didn't make any sense.

My arms had gone limp from around her, my muscles a bit tense. I just wasn't sure how to process the information. In actuality, it hadn't even completely hit me yet.

Gwen bit her lip,
"She wasn't my sister anymore, she wasn't her!" she said hoping her words would penetrate the dazed look on his face.
"it was a mission and we failed. My grandmother died in shame and my mother was carted off to azkaban for what I had to do! But it was my duty..my inheritance." she said softly.
"I had no choice it was kill her or die. And she was already dead." she tried to look in his eyes, see what he would do or say.
"we were identical. Not a day goes by that I don't see her." she whispered.

My eyes slid closed as Gwen's voice rose a bit, and I exhaled slowly through my nose to keep myself calm. Gwen had just told me she'd killed her sister, no big deal right..... I wished it were that easy. How was I supposed to cope with the fact that I was sitting with a girl who had been able to murder her own sister? I hated myself for thinking like that though. Because as Gwen had said.. she wasn't her sister anymore once she'd been bitten.

I refused to open my eyes as she continued speaking, my brain still churning with all the information she was giving me. Now I could see why she'd been keeping it to herself, and why she'd looked so pained before telling me. I almost wished she'd kept it to herself, because now I didn't know what the hell to do..

Hearing her last words sort of had the lasting impact on me. I had to kill her or die. In a way, I could see it.. see why she'd had to kill her sister. I didn't like the fact that she'd done it because of a "mission", but when she said that her sister was dead anyhow.. it was true. Being bitten by a Vampire morphed you into a killing machine. My muscles slowly began to relax as I forced myself to remain calm. My eyes eventually opened, and after a moment I was holding Gwen's face in either of my hands.

"I.. I understand.. that you had to do it. I do. And I'm sorry you've had to deal with this.. I had no idea.." I murmured, shaking my head. "This.. it doesn't.. you aren't a monster, Gwen.." I continued quietly. I was surprising the living shit out of myself for seemingly accepting this.....

Gwen felt tears spill as he spoke to her and she pressed her face against his chest.
"they forgave me..I was able to talk with their sprits once. They forgave me but..I killed so many dark creatures..my soul..my soul is lost.." she whispered.
"I am a monster Evan. I am...I killed her..even if it wasn't her really. I'll always know what I'm capable of...even at fourteen." she whispered

As soon as I saw the tears I frowned, but I let my hands fall back to rest on her lower back as she pressed her face against my chest. I hated crying girls, and that was why whenever I saw tears coming I left, whether that made me an asshole or not. But with Gwen I knew I was going to stay put, no matter how uncomfortable the situation made me.

Her voice was slightly muffled because she was still hiding in my chest, but I was able to make out what she was saying. Talking to spirits? I tried not to let the thought of that creep me out, and I kept my breathing slow and steady, not wanting to interrupt her. I was glad she'd finally told me, I supposed.. it was good to know. I just hated that it made her feel this way.

Her soul was lost? She was a monster? I sighed a bit in frustration, but I knew after all this time, I probably wouldn't get her to change her mind. I couldn't change how she saw herself.. could I? "You aren't a monster. I refuse to call you that." I said firmly. "Your soul is not lost, Gwen!" I knew I couldn't get her to understand, but I could try. "Yes, you killed your sister.. that's gruesome, it is. But you had to do it. Not only did you save her from being a killing machine, if it wasn't you, someone else would have done it eventually.." I knew I was rambling, and probably not making anything better..

"You aren't a monster. You're not."

Gwen was quiet as he spoke and calmed at his voice.
Sweet Merlin in a biscuit, she hadn't cried this much since..ever really. Good lord.
She listened to him and, though she still saw herself how she did, it helped that He didn't see her that way.
He still deserved better.
But she couldn't give him anything but herself, with all the casulties.
And for that she was sorry.
She nodded a little bit wiping her eyes and thinking she must seem a right mess. But, then again, she had reason.
"thank you, for not running away in terror screaming bloody murder." she said Looking him in the eyes again feeling stronger.

My hand began to hesitantly run along her back as she began crying even harder, but then it seemed as if my words had had the effect I'd wanted them to on her.. Her body felt a bit more relaxed against my own, and I released a slow sigh. Maybe my words had the effect I'd hoped, although it would severely surprise me.

I watched as she nodded and wiped her eyes, before gingerly reaching out and helping her wipe the tears away from her cheeks. I merely nodded. "You're welcome." I didn't bother saying anything else, mostly because I had no idea what to say. And leaving the subject behind seemed to be the best way to quickly pick her back up.

"I just want to say thank you for trusting me enough to tell me." He added simply, then leaned in and gave her a sweet kiss on the lips. Hoping to distract her from the events that happened no more then a minute before.

I just want to say thank you for trusting me enough to tell me
she nodded "you deserve to know who I am.." she whispered against his lips kissing him back.
That kiss was so sweet it had her head spinning.
It seemed he knew moving on was the best way.
"I know I don't need to say this..but keep my secret..I know a few people who would love to use it against me.." she said softly and simply.

I shrugged wordlessly when she said I deserved to know who she was. Did I really? I wasn't completely sure, but I supposed that didn't matter now. I knew who she was and yet I was still here. Surprisingly enough, I was actually sort of getting used to things being like this.. but then I was struck with the irritating thoughts. How would it be once I left? Not just the school, but today in general? Would the impact things had been having on me stick? Or would I immediately revert back to my old ways? I exhaled, trying to keep my expression blank so she didn't know about what I was thinking, but she was slowly beginning to be able to see through the facade. And I wasn't too sure if I liked someone knowing me that well..

My eyes drifted back into focus and I nodded when she told me not to tell anyone. "Secret's safe with me." I replied, licking my lower lip before shifting again under her weight. I wasn't sure how long we'd been laying here, but so much had happened in the last few hours.. and I knew it would soon be time for us to part ways. I was surprised that we'd been left alone in the Commons for quite as long as we had. I was almost tempted to ask her if she wanted to sneak into the boy's dorms with me, but I changed my mind. While I was pretty sure my intentions were obvious with her, I still didn't want her to think my mind had other thoughts.

Even if they did slightly... I wasn't denying that fact. I was who I was. But I respected her wishes, and she was among one of the only girls that I actually did. "We have to get going soon.." I said quietly, breaking the silence around us.

Gwen looked at him and tilted her head. He looked thoughtful.
"Ev, you okay?" she asked biting her lip when he licked his.
It was almost midnight. How did time fly so fast?
She looked at him and nodded though not moving to leave.
"Yeah, I know." she kissed him slowly. She didnt want to leave. But soon they would have to. If only for the night.

I was slightly surprised when she questioned me, and for a moment I almost considered telling her. But I decided not to, although feeling a bit guilty for keeping it to myself. She didn't need to be bothered with my thoughts though.. "I'm fine." I said, hoping that the words actually made it to my eyes. At least long enough for her to see and not question me even further.

I let my fingers run absently through her hair again, stifling a yawn as she nodded. She didn't make any moves to leave though, and honestly I didn't want to move either. Would it be bad if we just spent the night here like last time? It wasn't as if we hadn't done it before. And as much as I wanted to, I knew we needed some time apart, at least for now. To let everything that had happened sink in, to think about things.. yeah. I probably wouldn't sleep much at all tonight. One of my last nights that would be spent in the dorms.

I kissed her back just as slowly, just focusing on that and nothing else. The least I could do was hand her my entire attention for at least the next few minutes, while we said goodbye. After all, I wasn't exactly sure when the next time we'd see each other again would be. "It'll only be for a little while.." I said quietly, although I wasn't entirely sure. Softly I shifted her off of me and placed her on the couch next to me. I hated to do it, but I knew I had to. For now.

Gwen nodded not meeting his gaze know, that if she did, she would see that that wasn´t true.
Then she did and, she wasn´t surprised.
She gave him a soft smile and cupped his cheek kissing him as he shifted her off. She nodded again.
"I know. Owl me when you´re ready." she whispered giving him a kiss before leaning back.

I noticed she seemed to avoid my gaze, but rather then bring it up, I simply left it alone. I didn't want to discuss it anyhow, even if I felt even guiltier because she knew I wasn't telling the truth. I just.. I couldn't bring myself to bother her with what I was thinking. Not yet, anyhow.. not when I wasn't even sure myself.

I kissed her back each time she kissed me, exhaling slowly and nodding when she told me to Owl her when I was ready. Having the entire situation all put on me.. well, I didn't exactly enjoy it. But I knew it needed to be done this way. I paused before leaning in to place another long, lingering kiss on her warm, sweet lips. I leaned back slightly, but kept my face closer to hers for the moment being.

I reached up and gently trailed my fingertips along the soft skin of her cheek before I seemed to snap myself out of it. Glancing down I slowly pulled back, retracting my hand in the process. "See you soon." I said quietly, before standing up and slowly making my way toward the door.

Once I got there, I paused and turned around. I didn't have to do this.. didn't have to be the one leaving, again. I let my eyes settle on her for a moment, but then I soon lifted my hand and waved half-heartedly. Then with the last ounce of will power I seemed to have, I turned and let myself out of the Commons.

Gwen closed her eyes and tried to immortilize the feeling of his lips against hers.
She opened her eyes to meet his when he pulled away and left.
Just like last time.
Just like it and yet so different.
And much better. She got up and picked up his sweater.
Typical, he forgot.

"Snickers...when did everything decide to go all wonky?" she asked as the snake slithered up to her,
"Well missstressss, since you started saying things like *sweet merlin in a bissssscuit*...."
She laughed and spent hours just sitting there, talking to Snix waiting for her eyes to turn brown again and waiting for sleep that would come when the sun went up.