I'm Sorry..

Hearing her words I couldn't help but smirk. "Good way to pass the time." I said jokingly, but when I heard her question, I paused for a moment. Well, hadn't been expecting that.. "Uh. I'm really not as mysterious as you may think." I replied with a slight chuckle, watching her for a moment before glancing around.

"I'm just good at making it appear that way." I smirked as I spoke, wondering what exactly I could tell her. Surprisingly, I wasn't a huge fan of talking about myself. Unless it was all the positives and none the negatives. "Depends what you wanna know?" I could at least attempt something for her.

Gwen tapped her finger against her lip in thoght,
"Hmm, let´s start of simple. How about some favourites?" she said looking up at him in thought,
"I dunno, what makes you tick for instance." she suggested.

I was tempted to kiss her all over again when she began tapping her lip in thought, although I wasn't exactly sure why. I managed to contain myself though, my brows pulling together when I heard her question. Favorites? I met her gaze quietly, already thinking about what I could say to her, but couldn't help but grin when she said what "made me tick." "I could have just been so dirty with that." I teased, but quickly roped my mind back into place.

"Favorite color is green, favorite season is Winter, favorite food is a cheeseburger with fries, favorite thing to do....." I trailed off and winked playfully when it came to that, before chuckling and continuing. "Favorite animal.. Panther. Favorite muggle sport... football." I wasn't sure what else I could tell her was my favorites. "You?"

Gwen laughed and resoisted a dirty remark of her own before listening to his answers.
"Well, my favorite colour is black, favourite season varies between Winter and Summer, favorite food...is nachos, my favourite thing to do is run," she bit her lip in thought,
"my favourite animal is a fox, I don´t know muggle sports and I´m deathly afraid of water." she added to compensate her lack of mugglesports knowledge.
"And you? Is the untameable Caldwell afraid of anything?" she teased.

I let my gaze rest on her face lightly, content with just listening to her talk. Normally I was the one wanting to talk about myself and not listen about anyone else, but when it came to Gwen.. well it was different. And reversed. I didn't feel the need to talk about myself, and while it was slightly surprising, I didn't pay much mind to it.

I nodded in acknowledgement about halfway through her talking just so she knew I was still listening to her, and when she got to the last part about being deathly afraid of water.. I frowned slightly, my brow creased in concentration. "Why is that?" I asked curiously. It wasn't a fear I'd heard of people having before, and I wondered if it had anything to do with previous experiences. Hearing her next set of words I couldn't help but give her a slight grin.

"Untameable, huh... hm." I mused, thinking about her choice of words for a moment before giving a small shrug. Was I afraid of anything? I sighed slightly as I glanced up, knowing that this was headed toward being serious... "I'm afraid of.." I hesitated, not quite sure if I was ready to confess to it. But finally I just made my mouth keep moving. "Failing in life. Just.. in general." I sighed with a shrug, quickly changing the subject. "But I don't have any common fears, like spiders or anything." I said with a slight chuckle.

Gwen frowned thoughtfully, "Im more afraid of being IN water I guess. Which is why I steer clear of the lake. We- I had an accident in Boston harbour during training and I've been scared ever since." she said lightly so he wouldn't pay attention to how lame her excuse was. What had really happened was that her and her sister had been in Hunter training and a vamp had attacked them. Chloe killed it but Its mate fell with Gwen into the water and their Mother had had to save her.
She flinched ever so slightly.
Not her most pleasant memory.
Then she listened to his fear.
She was surprised at the sheer..depth of the actual fear. He was full of surprises.
"Well if it helps, I don't think you're going to fail.." she said simply yet carefully.
It was true though. She was pretty sure that ge couldn't see his amazing potential. His worth as a person.
She'd help him see it. If he let her, of course.

My eyes continued to rest easily on her pretty face when she explained to me how she'd acquired the fear of water. I heard her saying the word "we" before correcting herself, and I opened my mouth to say something but decided against it. I nodded slightly as she finished talking, but I couldn't stop the second question that leapt from my lips. "Training for what?" I realized I must have sounded incredibly nosy, so I decided if she seemed rather irritated with me after asking that, I would just shut up about it completely. I could just tell there was something more that she wasn't telling me.. but it wasn't my place to say something, and so I knew I wouldn't. What she told me, I would just have to accept. She had no reason to lie to me, after all.

I gave her a slight smile when she said that she didn't think I was going to fail. Her words seemed to have been spoken carefully, though... "Thanks." I replied quietly, before leaning down and giving her a gentle kiss on the lips. It seemed as if I'd gone far too long without the taste of her on my tongue. It was strange for me to think this way, but I once more tried not to think too much into it, not wanting.. not wanting to get freaked out. Not when I was doing so good.. "Gwen." I said softly. I knew it probably wasn't the best question to ask at the moment.. but I had an almost burning desire all of a sudden to just.. know what she thought. "What.." I tried to think of how to word it. But after realizing almost nothing I could say would make it sound better.. "What would you call us? If anything at all?" I exhaled, glancing toward the back of her as I waited to hear what she would think.

"Training for my inheritance" she said vaguly smiling.
She didn't want to scare him off by telling him *oh by the way, my name isn't really DeArbour, I'm a cooper. Yeah those coopers, the dark hunter family. Yeah the one that died.*
No way.
Then he kissed her and she smiled kissing him back.
"I don't know Ev, I know what I'd like to call us, but I know that's too much to ask. We're...more than friends...I don't think there's a term for what we are" she pondered.

I took in the answer she gave me, my expression still questionable. "Oh?" I mused, and I knew my voice was acting like I planned on saying more. But I finally just let the subject drop, just like I'd told myself I would. Once again, I didn't think Gwen would lie to me.. she had no reason to, really. So I had no choice but to believe her, which I did.

My eyes closed when I heard her telling me that she knew what she'd like to call us.. I said nothing as she continued to talk. Once she finished I didn't say anything for a few good moments.. not even sure what I could say. I felt terrible knowing that she wanted us to be something more, and I just.. couldn't give it to her. When it all came down to it, I just didn't trust myself. I'd been one way for so long.. I couldn't just give it all up so suddenly, cold turkey. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. I had confidence in myself when it came to everything.. but that. And I found it upsetting that I couldn't give Gwen even just a little bit of well.. closure or something of the sort.

"Friends with benefits is what we're acting like." I finally mumbled softly, my eyes still closed. I knew I couldn't look into her eyes right now.

When he closed his eyes she wished she could take it back. While his eyes were Still closed she took a deep breath,
then he called them 'friends with benefits'
shaking her head she said firmly,
"that's not what we are Evan. For that there would actually have to BE benefits. And anyway, friends with benefits normally don't care at all for the other person." she stated. "Lets just call us...hmm..." sge trailed off unable to think of a fitting word.
What did one call what's between a girlwho likes a guy who sleeps with a lot of girls normally butis a different person around her which made her like him very much and they couldn't just leave each other alone?

Hmm...how about confusing?
Yes that's fitting.*sarcasm*

She looked up and saw that he couldn't meet her gaze.
"Ev...it's okay. I know. I understand.." she said softly. He couldn't give her that, closure. And, although it was incredibly hard to do because closure was very important to her, she accepted the fact that, even if she waited a hundred years, he might never be ready or even willing to try.
But she would still try to help him, Shehad learned to never everlose hope, because without hope, there'd be nothing else.

I still refused to open my eyes even though I knew it was rude, but I could hear the rejection in Gwen's voice as she stated that we weren't friends with benefits. Once she explained it a bit further I supposed I did agree.. just at the moment, thinking clearly wasn't working very well for me. I remained silent and still as she once again tried to come up with a word for us, but I knew she wouldn't. Knew there wasn't even a word for how we were acting. We weren't unofficially talking, we weren't dating, we weren't just friends, but we weren't anything exclusive... I knew it was useless to even attempt to think of an answer, and so I just gave up. Just like it seemed she was doing.

Hearing her soft voice again saying that it was okay, she knew, she understood... my eyes flickered open, and I openly stared at her with an almost pained look on my face. "No, Gwen. It's not okay." I argued. "I don't care if you understand, it still doesn't make it right." I didn't mean to snap at her, but I felt like a total asshole for putting her through this when I didn't even have faith in myself to actually try things out. "It's not okay for me to be putting you through this when I can't even promise you things will change." I said, my face grimacing like I was in pain. "You deserve to find someone better, Gwen.. someone who you don't have to wait for, or work for, or even worry about losing..." I hated the words I was saying, but they were true. "You deserve someone you can actually trust." I murmured the last words as I diverted my attention away from her. "Don't waste your time with me." I said finally, still staring off into space. Yes, she was different from everyone else, but I couldn't let myself hurt her again.. no. I just wouldn't allow it.

And if that meant I had to let her go to someone that would be able to give her what she wanted and needed, then so be it. It was true that I would be hurting her by doing that.. but in the long run, instead of hurting her a million times over, it would be this just once. Like a ripping of a bandaid. I felt slightly sick, but the words were out. And besides, I meant them.

Gwens eyes widened in surprise but when his features took on a pained expression she wanted to reach out and comfort him. But she didnt because she knew he wouldnt want it.
When he said she should´nt do that to herself she closed her eyes.

"I didnt say it was right but before you push me away or *let me go* remember that its my choice. You cant let me go if I´m not leaving." she said before a thought struck her..Oh...
Then she looked down feeling her face flush.

"I´m sorry...." she said quietly thinking how stupid she was for thinking that he actually wanted her. This was probably just his way of saying "Hey, Sorry but I dont want you"

No...
No.
That- He wouldn´t- No...
She felt tears of embarrasment at the corners of her eyes and she wiped them away irritatedly.


She wouldnt leave him unless he truly truly didnt want her.
So she wasn´t giving up,
"Is it wasting my time if it´s worth it?" she argued back.
"You can run away! Be *untamed*, whatever! I´m not gonna leave."

I glanced back toward Gwen just in time to see that her eyes had closed, and so I looked back in the direction my attention had been in. Hearing her words, I felt some comfort in knowing that she agreed with me in it not being right. Maybe she'd finally seen the truth of the situation.. and while I felt my stomach sinking at the thought, I told myself that it was better off that way anyhow, and I knew that. My eyes wandered back to her face in surprise though when I heard her saying that it was her choice, and that I couldn't let her go if she wasn't leaving. I stared at her in an almost blank way, my expression slightly surprised as I processed what she'd said. I hadn't expected that, not really.. "I can let you go, even if you aren't leaving. I can leave." I reminded her, although I wanted to shove the words right back into my mouth. I hadn't meant them in the way that they had sounded.. I didn't want to imply that I was going to leave. I was just trying to justify my point.

Yet all at once I noticed her face flushing and she was looking down, and my expression become one of confusion. What the hell..? I blinked a couple of times, trying to figure out what exactly had just happened, and when she apologized his face became even more confused. "Uh.. why?" I asked, my eyebrows pulling together as my forehead creased. I noticed her wiping at her eyes and was tempted to grab her by the shoulders and force her to look at me. "What is it?" I persisted, my eyes staring at her. But then she was talking again and I sighed heavily, wondering why she was arguing back with me. "It's not worth it!" I suddenly blasted her way. "How is getting hurt worth it, Gwen? Explain it to me, because I would love to understand." I said evenly.

I sneered at her last set of words, my eyes rolling upwards. "Be untamed? This is what you think this is all about?" I shook my head. "I'm not running away." I said, slightly insulted. I shifted her off of my lap, sitting up straight again and moving away from her a bit. "Leaving by choice, and running away are two very different things." I again didn't realize how my words sounded until they were out, but I was so confused and slightly irritated that I didn't even catch the directions my words seemed to be drifting in.

When he said he could leave she winced. Ouch.
"I´ve been hurt worse! And It´just IS! It´s worth it to me! You´re worth it to me! Don´t ask me WHY! Or should I ask you why you CARE?" she threw his words back at him.
Then she was no longer on his lap and he was asking her what was wrong.
"You know what? Why dont I ask you loads of questions you can´t answer, huh? I don´t know WHY I care so much! But i know that I DO! How about you? D you know WHY? No! At least I know I LIKE you! At least I have the guts to SAY it! That´s why it´s worth it! It´s worth it because I like you! If you don´t like me then I don´t know why you´re still arguing with me!"
Then he sounded slightly insulted, oh he was insulted? If he was slightly insulted she was furious.
If that wasn´t what he wanted then he could say so because it sure as hell seemed like it.
She didnt want to fight with him again. But she couldn´t help it.
"Leaving by choice, and running away are two very different things."


She froze.
"So that´s what you call it? Leaving by choice? It´s the same thing Evan. The same damn thing!" she said a few tears in the corners of her eyes.
"So you want to leave..." she started but couldn´t finish.
"If you just wanted to leave me again then I don´t know why you even stayed this long" she said quietly.
So that´s what he was doing...playing with her. He had lied... She was different...Pfft sure, she wasn´t different. Not to him...not to anybody...She was just a game...like all the others...
She felt a few tears leak down her cheeks but she stayed in her slightly forced position as if it was all she could do not to start crying.
She wouldn´t give him that satisfaction.
And the worst thing?
The worst thing was..even with all this bullshit...she still liked him.
That´s screwed up.
Very very screwed up.

And then all at once she was blowing up on me.. not that I hadn't expected it, because I did. I could tell by the exchange of words so far that that had been where our situation was going. And while part of me wanted to avoid it at all costs because I disliked fighting with her.. I knew it was pretty much unavoidable at this point. Now she was yelling at me, telling me that I was worth it to her but she didn't know why. Then she was telling me not to ask her why.. not that I had planned on it, because I was well aware that that was a question that simply couldn't be answered. I didn't bother replying to her when she asked me when I cared. I was too busy looking at anything but at her angered face as she continued to erupt.

I exhaled slowly when she started saying what was wrong, and while I hadn't realized I had been asking her a bunch of unanswerable things... now that she pointed it out, I supposed I had. The moment she admitted for the first time outlook that she liked me.. my eyes diverted immediately to her face. I was in a daze for a moment, but hearing her say I didn't have the guts to admit it was what snapped me out of it. My eyebrows pulled together angrily. Yeah, I was insulted that she'd say I was running away when I'd been doing my best not to as things had been getting more serious. I had been trying, didn't she see that when tngs got out of my comfort zone, naturally I would want to pull away. Yet so far, I was here. And she was still telling me I was running away?

And then I heard it before I saw it. The tears.. her voice, how it was bridging on the line of being upset. I swallowed as my anger slowly began to evaporate, which was probably a good thing since I hadn't yet opened my mouth. Blinking when she said I wanted to leave, I seemed to snap to my senses. "Wait, what?" I said in surprise, not quite understanding...Oh. That was why she was so upset.. "No, that's not it at all!" I said quickly, shaking my head. Seeing her tears, I gritted my teeth. "I.. I don't want to leave." I said evenly. "That's.. not what I was trying to do, Gwen.. I was just.. trying to make a point.." I finished off somewhat lamely. I felt awful for giving her the wrong idea. I didn't even want to know what was going through her brain now.. "I just don't know what to do." I finally said quietly, glancing down.

I wasn't sure what she was thinking, but I slowly pushed my hand, palm up, toward her. I felt the need to comfort her.. somehow. "I.. do.." I hesitated before beginning again. "I do like you. And.. that's why this is so.. hard for me." I finally said. I couldn't believe I had just said it, but for one of the first times in our conversation.. I was sure something. And it was that the only answer to all these different emotions, and all this confusion... was because I liked her.

I never thought I'd ever hear myself admit something like that outloud again.

Gwen was so frustrated she barely registered him saying he didnt want to leave at first.
Then his words hit her and she felt her anger dimming. Slightly.

"What point? That I´m like the others? That you don´t want me?" she replied, "Because if that was it I got it!"
Then he...he said he liked her...she bit her lip.
She was speechless...and her frustration..her anger...was gone...
She held his outstreched hand and felt calmer almost instantly.
Her expression softened and she couldn´t control herself any longer so she kissed him.
"I know it´s hard...but I believe in you..." she whispered between his lips unsure whether to look him in the eyes or not, not knowing what would be easier for him.

I opened my mouth to argue with her, but I quickly shut it again when I realized that my words hadn't yet registered. Part of me sort of hoped that just maybe, what I admitted had gone right past her. The thought of knowing I'd just told her something so serious (for me) was making me feel... antsy. Like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I hadn't even realized until I said it outloud to her how true the words really were. I like her. I exhaled slowly, trying my best not to jump up and leave the room. This was good, this was alright... but then I was struck with another thought. By having admitted to liking her... now I could hurt her even more. And that by itself made me feel sick, because that was not something I wanted to be able to do.

The moment I felt her small, warm hand slipping into mine was when I was brought back to reality. I wondered what the look on my face was - confusion, apprehension, anxiety, fear. Yet I felt almost at peace somehow, feeling her skin against mine. It was just comforting to me.. and I was struck by just how much she cared. I hadn't realized it before, but she was still here. Even after all my bullshit, she was still sitting here telling me that it was worth it. And that in itself....

I didn't allow myself to finish my thought, mostly because all at once she was kissing me. I let myself get lost in the feeling, not wanting to be a prisoner of myself anymore. I wanted to be free. I exhaled when I heard her words, not looking her in the eyes. But after a moment, I spoke. " I just.. I just don't want to hurt you." I said in a slightly dejected voice. "Usually I don't care. I'm a self centered bastard who only cares about himself. But now..." I didn't finish my thought. Instead, I gently pulled Gwen to me, wrapping my strong arms around her in a hug.

Gwen´s soft gaze took in his mixture of emotions and resisted a smile.
It was...endearing...
She kissed him softly and wrapped her arms around his waist softly listening to him.
She let go of everything, of who she had been, had supposed to be, her fears, her doubts, everything, when kissing him.
"You won´t hurt me...I´m sure of it..." she whispered.
"And I have never seen you as a selfcentered bastard."

I let myself once more lose myself in the feeling of her soft lips, not knowing how she did it, but she just had this way of making me feel at peace.. like nothing else seemed to matter. Bringing my arms around her I pulled her to me once more, settling her back in my lap like she had been. That was where she should be, not sitting next to me, I decided.

I pushed a few strands of hair behind her ear, my eyes meeting hers when she said I wouldn't hurt her, and that she was sure of it. I wanted to believe her, I wanted to have the same confidence that she seemed to have in me.. but I was so unsure. "You don't know that.." I said quietly, glancing behind her again. She seemed to have so much trust in me.. how?

My lips turned up ever so vaguely when I heard her voice again. "Thanks, Gwen." I spoke quietly. I did appreciate it, but I knew I was self-centered.. I couldn't even count the amount of girl's I'd made cry, or the amount of nasty things I'd done. I was a terrible person, although I would never admit that. I thought too highly of myself for that.

She smiled when She was in his lap again and kissed him softly.
"I do know...call it intuition." she answered caressing the side of his face gently.
"don't-don't thank me..." she said softly. He shouldn't thank her..she wasn't honest with him. He deserved more than a murderer. True, she and her family only killed evil creatures who were a threat but still. Her soul was mangled and Evans soul...she believed his soul was whole.
She smiled looking him in the eyes, an old pain deeply hidden but still slightly visible in her eyes.
She would never be able to tell him.
He was not a monster.
But she was.

I kissed her back without having to put much thought into it. I'd been kissing her so much that the action was becoming almost involuntary. I didn't mind in the least, it was just a bit odd to get used to. I watched her for a moment as she answered, and my eyes closed for a moment when I felt her caressing the side of my face. Certainly wasn't something I was used to.. but I found I actually sort of well.. liked it.

My eyes opened again when she told me not to thank her though, and I watched her in confusion. I let my gaze meet hers, my piercing blue eyes staring right into hers. After a few moments I noticed it. Vaguely, and so subtle that if I weren't observant, I probably wouldn't have noticed it. But there seemed to be a pain there... an unexplainable one that I hadn't noticed before. Why was it there now?

"What's wrong?" I asked randomly. I didn't want to get her angry for asking yet again, because I knew the time we had left together here was limited. I'd be graduating any day now, and after that.. we wouldn't get to spend times like this in the Commons together anymore. But if something was bothering her, I found I wanted to know about it... why, I didn't know, but I decided not to question it.

"nothing is wrong, there's just no need to thank me for anything. No reason." she said smiling. On the inside she was screaming but on the outside she showed none of it.
She knew she should warn him. That it would be best for him to leave.
But she couldn't. She couldn't bear the thought of losing him.
She kissed his cheek.
"you'll be gone soon.." she murmured softly, sadly.
She wanted to enjoy the moment while she could, again not wanting to lose him.
She looked at him trying to soak in every detail, the telltale smirk, his deep blue eyes, the way his hair looked kinda messy in the best way...
She smiled playing her fingertips at the nape of his neck.
"nothing wrong..." she whispered, half to reassure him and half to reassure herself.

I regarded her quietly as she spoke, trying to decide if I wanted to believe her or not. I saw the smile, and while part of me wanted to keep looking, past the smile and even deeper... I didn't. Once again, I didn't think she'd lie to me, and I actually sort of trusted (which was a big step for me) that she'd tell me the truth when I asked. After all, why would she need to hide anything from me if she trusted me? Unless she didn't...

"Ok." I finally said, my eyes watching her cautiously for a few extra seconds before I glanced away. I sighed a bit, my lips parting when she mentioned that I'd be gone soon. "I know." I replied, my voice somewhat monotone. I began playing with her hair absently, letting the silky strands slip through my fingers. "Before, I couldn't wait. Now.. it's just a bit weird to get used to, I guess." I murmured, my eyes turning back to her face.

How would things work once I left? I wasn't sure, but I wasn't about to ask either. After all, so many things were still left unanswered.. my eyes traveled along her feminine features, taking in everything about her. The soft lips, refined cheek bones, sharp jawline, dark eyes, the way her hair fell around her face..

"If you say so." I whispered back, but now that she'd repeated herself, I wasn't so sure.

Gwen nodded but felt immensly guilty.
Should she tell him? He deserved to know.
Could she tell him? ...she didn't know.
Her feeling felt...strong enough but...how does one confess a life of sins?
How does one shatter an illusion?
When she had told J...he was her bestfriend...he had stuck with her. Like her brother.
Evan was not her brother, thank merlin too.
He was her ..romantic-guy-like-person? Her romantic interest to be simple.
She could shatter his feelings and he might never come back to her again.
She bit her lip,
"Evan...do you trust me?" she asked looking in his eyes.
"Do you trust me enough to know that if I could tell you, I would. I just can't. Not yet. Please don't make me explain." she buried her face in his neck breathing deeply.

I let the silence fall around us, because I was finding that I really didn't mind it all that much. Usually I did, and with anyone else I probably wouldn't have dealt with it. But for Gwen, I did, because it seemed as if we didn't need words half of the time. I wasn't used to things being like that, but I didn't really feel the need to question it. Everything about this situation was new, unchartered territory, and I never knew how exactly to go about it. Proceeding with caution had been my best bet so far, but as to what I was going to do in the future.. I hadn't yet decided.

Her question brought me out of my thoughts, and I blinked a couple of times as I re-focused on her face. My brows pulled together slightly in confusion when I realized what exactly she'd asked me, and I wondered why she did.. so suddenly, too. I diverted my eyes away from her as I shifted a bit underneath her weight, a bit uncomfortable with the question. I didn't look at her as she clarified herself, although I was listening attentively.

I couldn't quite make sense of her words though, and I remained motionless when she buried her face in the crook of my neck. Slowly my arms slipped a bit tighter around her small body, but I continued not to say anything for a few moments as I tried to process the information. "I.. I do trust you.." I began finally. "And while I wish you would tell me what's bothering you, instead of lying about it and saying it's nothing.." I said this in a calm voice, not an accusing one. I didn't want her to think I was angry with her, because I wasn't.

"I won't make you explain." I finished softly, my eyes on the door in a blank sort of way.